Looking back, I can see that I've recently read two books that I felt like I shouldn't have been reading, and yet, I kept reading them! I'll have to stop that. Now, however, I'm reading an awesome book that I highly recommend to any- and everyone.

Five Smooth Stones by Ann Fairbairn is a book I found at Half-Price Books several months ago and snatched up because I had read it years ago and loved it. Fortunately, although it was published in 1966, it remains a great book, full of richly drawn characters, historical truths, and a compelling story line. It's often referred to as a romance, and there is a great romance that is part of the book, but it' s also so much more. It centers around a young Black man from New Orleans, who is blessed to receive a scholarship to attend a college "up north" and how that effects and changes his life. When I first read this in high school, it made me want to be black. Seriously. I remember how envious I was of the warmth and depth of tradition and love this young man grew up with, and it made me feel that I had missed out, somehow. When I voiced these thoughts to my mother, I remember she tried to reassure me that our WASP-y heritage and traditions were just as rich and meaningful as anyone else's. And she might have convinced me had she not mentioned the "Virginia Reel" as one of white America's great cultural contributions to the world. The Virginia Reel???

It occurs to me now that she was probably just at a loss for what to say to me. Who knows, I may have even been in tears at the time. And what do I know about the Virginia Reel?

This book may not resonate with some as it has (again) with me, but I still recommend it, especially to younger whites, whose knowledge of a segregated South might be even sketchier than my own. If nothing else, the writing is beautiful and evokes images both stirring and awful. The first time I read it I remember feeling ashamed that members of my own race perpetrated such a way of life, even in such recent times. Now I read it and know that is its Sin. Black or White, Jew or Gentile, Protestant or Catholic, we're all broken people, living in a fallen world, ruled by Sin. So I grieve for the sufferings of people like the characters in this book, but as a child of God, rather than a child of a White man.

I'm almost finished reading a book called The Vision of Emma Blau, by Ursula Hegi. This is the second of Hegi's books that I've read, and while the other had some disturbing and unsettling parts, this one is touching some sore spots that are making me very sad.

This is a multigenerational story of a German immigrant who builds an elegant apartment house in a small New Hampshire town. It's a story of his family, of longing and yearning and pretending; one of selflessness and selfishness; one where dreams and reality are interwoven in a way that is ultimately quite realistic, but hard and disillusioning, nonetheless. It's a story of giving all and of withholding love and affection, of giving or taking too much power in a marriage.

It is about the bittersweet emotions we get tangled up with in our relationships, both the healthy and the unhealthy. Personally, my own inability to have a child is somehow mirrored in the main character's having a child that she loves fiercely, but cannot devote all her time to, having two stepchildren and even the ghostly presence of her beloved husband's two dead wives who preceded her. People live and die, we mourn and go on...it's all infused with such incredible sadness.

While many of the characters experience moments of happiness, the world they inhabit is not one I think I would care to live in. Even the lightest times are tinged with darkness, foreshadowing some rift in a relationship that will never mend, a realization of a truth that one has been blissfully blind to up until that point. Siblings and step-siblings are in the end all alone, quibbling and distrusting and resentful of each other and their parents.

The heaviness in these character's lives that Hegi portrays is pervasive, even as I put the book down to go about my own business in my own life. Perhaps the inability to stop eating that plagues one of the characters hits a bit close to home, although I don't go to the extremes Robert does in the book. But the temptation to fill up our empty spaces with food, sex, shopping or drugs is surely real.

I haven't finished the book yet, but I suspect the ending will provide a kind of resolution, as opposed to just an ending. I do not expect it to point out that God is the only thing that can fill up that hole inside us all.

More Fall ATCs...

I seem to have inadvertently blocked people who might have read my blog from commenting. Sorry 'bout that, if anyone did indeed try to post a comment. Please try again!

These are a set of ATCs (Artist Trading Cards) that I did for a swap last fall. The theme, interestingly enough, was "Fall."

I finished the book. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to, but I did. I can't say I made a deliberate decision beforehand, but I think I'm glad I did. I had already gotten involved in the characters and knew that Susan Howatch's books always allow for the redemption of the characters I care about. I wanted to see what happened. I noticed almost right away that at the point that I picked it up after not reading it for a couple of days, seemed to be where the main --- offensiveness, I guess --- started to give way to a character's changed life, to the point where he began to trust God, and things started to seem hopeful. I don't know that the end justifies the means here, because parts of the book were very disturbing, but I do believe that it's true to life --- that no matter how far away God seems, no matter how broken our lives are, no matter how bad the choices we've made, God's right there, always ready to take our hands and pull us out of the muck of our situation. He places people in our lives that can help lead us back to Him. We just have to ask.

Love it, love it, love it! Spend a couple of minutes making the pipe-cleaner guy dance.

Thanks, Mike, (and David Bessler, of course)!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to put down a book that I'm currently reading. For good. It's called The Heartbreaker, by Susan Howatch. She's an author that I like immensely; it's extremely well-written, it's interesting, and I care about the characters.

The problem is the plot line. While I'm sure that good will win out over evil in the end, the trip that Howatch takes to get there is rather disturbing. Some of her other books have definitely gotten into issues that I'm not entirely comfortable reading about, but this one seems to go further. Or maybe it's just me and where I am in my spiritual life.

The story centers around a group of characters who have appeared in previous novels, and their mission, so to speak, is to bring Christ into the lives of others who live on the seedier side of modern British life. I have no doubt that the characters and situations are realistic, and perhaps even based on real people, but I just don't want to read about them!

The "heartbreaker" is a straight(???) male prostitute who caters to very high-class, secretly gay men. He's troubled and confused, defensive, bright, articulate, and even likeable, in his better moments, but I feel kind of dirty, I guess, every time I read this story.

In the past, Howatch's novels have always skirted the edge of what's acceptable in society, what goes on behind closed doors, truly delving into the psyches of her very well-developed characters, but this one seems to go farther into the details of a degrading lifestyle of a young man controlled by some very evil people indeed. Maybe this needs to put out there as an instructive example of what kind of evil there is in this world, maybe, but again, I just don't want to read about it.

Why then, you may ask, all my throngs of readers, don't I just quit reading it and go on to the next thing in my stack of library books? Because it's such a good book! Dang it! But something about it doesn't feel right. After I put the book down, I've sometimes thought of the verse:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:7-9

and I don't think this book qualifies! Unfortunately.

Yeah, so I still love my job, but right now I'm feeling kinda low about things. Two of my students came to me after class and told me that they were sorry, but that some of the other students were upset, and didn't like my class, because, in a nutshell, I'm not their previous teacher. They wanted me to know because they don't like the negative attitude of some of the other students. This happens, not only to me, I know, but to other teachers, perhaps with those students who have had me as a teacher, and then have moved on to someone else.

I'm a good teacher. I'm well-trained, certified by the state (for whatever that's worth) and experienced. I have a very relaxed, casual style of teaching, with lots of conversation and vocabulary. I try to make it fun. This is why I do not teach the upper level classes. They are almost exclusively grammar, and that is not where I excel. The problem comes in (for me) when the students have had a previous teacher who is much more traditional in style and technique, and especially if that's what they think school is supposed to be, that's what they want from all their teachers. The problem comes in (for other teachers who inherit my students), when they do exactly the same thing they have done before, which made their students in the past happy. But now their current students think that class should be fun and relaxed and they should have lots of time for unstructured conversation, as well as the grammar and other things necessary for that particular level. So now they're unhappy.

I work with many very good teachers. I don't know the answer to this problem. The worst part of it is that there will be students who don't learn in the class with the new teacher because they are dissatisfied. They roll their eyes at efforts at conversation by other students in the class, or they get bored with just following the book, and are sometimes intimidated by the strictness of the rules; it really doesn't matter what the new teacher does...they're not their first or previous teacher, and therefore will never be good enough.

Sigh...even though this doesn't happen to me often, I know it won't be the last time. I would assume that it happens in other areas of education, as well as in other industries. If one goes to work at a new place, it's hard not to compare people and things, especially if you liked your previous job. That new doctor doesn't listen to us the same way the old one did...I'll never love this car as much as that first one...

I guess it's just a part of life.

How very profound. ;>)

Tomorrow is my thirteenth wedding anniversary. Well, not just mine, but you know what I mean. We celebrated this weekend by going out for meals, lazing around, going to a movie, going to the Heirloom Art and Rubber Stamp show, and watching several things on DVD.

The movie we saw, Keeping Up With the Steins was funny; not hilarious or really outstanding, but cute and entertaining. Being a WASP-y Texan, I may not be the best judge of how accurate the details about this particular culture were, but if the larger culture in the United States has fallen prey to materialism and one-up-manship, why not this one, too? I enjoyed it.

The Art and Rubber Stamp Show was a lot of fun for me, not so much for my husband, but he was awfully good-natured about it. I actually wanted him to go because I have had some interest in producing rubber stamps as a sort of side business, and wanted his input in case I found someone who would talk to me. He is very practical and knowledgeable about business, and I trust his opinions. I had asked a number of people online how they got started designing their own stamp lines, but had gotten very little response. The woman we spoke to was Linda Malcom of Lost Coast Designs. Not only did I love her stamps, but she was so gracious and helpful, I will definitely be a repeat customer. She was very forthright about the competitive nature of the business these days, but not discouraging. Her input and that from others at the show has gotten me rared up, wanting to create, create, create!

I have so many ideas, and have such a hard time getting started implementing them. And then, of course, one of the major themes in my life, I get so easily distracted...

So I will work on that. For now, I'm just thankful for the ideas, the last thirteen years, and a husband I love and admire.

Peace to you.

I love my job. Today I had a class at a hat-making plant. The workers there all speak Spanish, most of them have very little formal education, and they are working very hard at learning English. It's very difficult to explain how to conjugate a verb when some of them can't do that in their own language, but a certain amount of grammar has to be taught.

I've been looking for a little cheapy Loteria game, kind of like Mexican Bingo, and they'd told me a number of places to look, but I had't found one anywhere! So today one of the women who couldn't make it to class sent one by another student. I told them it was for an art project, which caused a few puzzled looks, maybe a shrug or a raised eyebrow here and there, but mostly they just nodded and said,"Ohh..."

I don't know quite what I think about immigration reform, etc., but I do know that the people I work with have a very real desire to learn English. They understand the limitations of not knowing the language, of a poor education, and are absolutely doing whatever they can to provide those opportunities to their children, but are sometimes just not up to it themselves. If you only have a third grade education, you weren't very good at school, or it may have even been a very bad experience, and you work three jobs just to feed your family, who has the energy to go to school?

My students at this plant get to work at 6:00 a.m. every day and work for eight hours, then stay two more hours for English classes twice a week. Many of them, and they are mostly women, work another job, plus take care of their families, and they are extremely grateful for the opportunity to do so. All these students are legal. Some of them love it here and want to stay forever; others miss their homes and extended families and are just here to work.

The older we are, the more difficult is is to learn a second language. It's a fact. I can't imagine going to, say, China, trying to get a job, get my kids enrolled in school, get a driver's license, even go grocery shopping, and not just give up.

Okay, jumping off my soap box now. Perhaps I ought to tell some people I've started a blog...?

I'm trying to be quiet. And it isn't easy.

No, this is no vow of silence, nothing prompted by any kind of bet ("Hey, betcha can't be quiet for 24 hours!"), or any kind of spontaneous idea I've decided to try for a while. I really need to be quiet.

One of the first things I remember anyone saying about me was that I talked too much. And here I am, 45 chatty years later, and it's still what people say about me. Don't get me wrong --- I'm not usually all that concerned about what people think of me. But this is different. I have no doubt that there are people who don't want to be around me because I talk so much...maybe people who screen their calls and only answer when they know they have a substantial amount of time for a conversation with me. There may be people who don't want to read my blog because I write too much!

But I'm willing to take the risk and use this as another outlet for all the thoughts and ideas I feel the need to express. Because it's not fun, trying to change who I am. And it is that much a part of me. I don't know if I can do it. If you believe in prayer, as I do, please pray for me in this endeavor.